THE GRIZZLY

A Crazy Mostly-True Personal Story

THE GRIZZLY

Warning: it has been calculated that approximately seventeen percent of the readers of this story may be offended by the graphic nature herein.

A CIRCUS. That’s what growing up in a family with five siblings was like. Little dramatic acts were pervasive throughout the house. If I couldn’t win an argument with one sibling, I sought out another sibling victim. We excelled in our ability to argue. No wonder I did well in high school debate.

My dad was strict and heavy on the discipline (especially for me) but he also had an adventurous side. Every summer, without fail, we embarked on a fun family vacation, almost always to a different destination. It was camping of course, as there was certainly no money for resorts or hotels. It didn’t take much, but at least for us kids, it was exciting.

One year, when I was about nine, Dad made an inspired announcement, “Hey kids, we’re going to Yellowstone!” These were the most exciting words we had heard from my dad in a long time. At that time, it was my older sister Joanie, my little brother Jon and little sis Jenni and baby Jerry. I got pumped! I had heard about Old Faithful! But there was something way cooler than that. Bears. Maybe I would see a bear. Even though we lived in the country, the most ferocious creature we ever saw was a squirrel. This was exciting stuff. I started counting the days.

The day finally did come, and we started packing our Chevy station wagon with all the trappings of camping; our clothes, tent, sleeping bags, decks of cards, propane stove, food, folding chairs, diapers, bottle washer and so forth. My dad’s incredible engineering acumen enabled us to strategically stuff everything in the back of the car, utilizing every possible cubic inch.

As we drove the long highway from Issaquah to Yellowstone, we entertained ourselves playing license plate games (identifying each state) and competing in our version of the Alphabet Game; being the first to spot each letter on billboard signs until we docked the entire alphabet. It didn’t take long for Dad to start getting cranky, but we were used to that. Because of the long distance to Yellowstone, we checked into a motel at around the midway point. This was a rare treat for us, if you could call it that. Inexpensive little motels didn’t have nice one or two-bedroom suites in those days so the seven of us slept in one room with two beds. How did we do it? Let’s just say it was cozy.

After what seemed like an eternity, we finally, excitedly, arrived at Yellowstone. Although the light was disappearing fast, we had to get the tent set up and put out the pads and sleeping bags. Mom had the easy job; setting up the camping stove, cooking dinner, boiling water for baby bottles, washing diapers. I’m sure she was super excited to be on such an extravagant vacation. There wasn’t much room for strutting around in the tent, but somehow all seven of us all tucked in together and managed to get a little sleep.

The next morning afforded us some unexpected excitement. As we were slowly scratching the sleep out of our eyes and Mom was faithfully working away cooking our breakfast on the camp stove, Dad noticed something. Directly across a pond from our campsite we saw a bear. Not a random little bear, but a huge grizzly. “Alright!” I’m thinking, “Our first bear. And it’s massive.” As we looked closer, we saw there were several baby cubs with it. It wasn’t that far away, maybe a hundred and fifty yards. I’m thinking, “This is a real bear. A really huge bear. In the wild, not in a zoo.” I certainly wouldn’t admit it to anyone, but this was a bit scary.

Maybe we were just imagining it, but it looked as though it was studying us. Evaluating the situation. Maybe little Baby Jerry looked tasty or something. Because I was such a super observant kid, I could tell that dad was starting to get anxious. Thinking retrospectively (which I’m super good at) we were situated in very precarious proximity to a potentially ferocious beast. It could come our way at any time. I calculated it would only take it about thirty-seven seconds to get to our campsite.

That’s when Dad came up with an unbelievable high-level strategy that I think about even to this day. He told Mom to grab the frying pan with the sizzling bacon and dash down the road in the opposite direction of the grizzly. Not one to second-guess the supreme wisdom of my dad, that’s exactly what she did. With frying pan in hand, bacon smoke wafting behind her, she took off down the road. I didn’t ever recall seeing her run that fast before.

Here’s one of the graphic parts I warned you about; the grizzly saw my mom running down the road, put its nose in the air, got a whiff of the bacon smoke and tore after her. She didn’t make it fifty yards before the bear took her down and started tearing her to shreds. We all started screaming as we saw our mom getting eaten before our very eyes (just kidding, but it certainly was a concern for all of us).

I could see the local headline, “WOMAN, CARRYING A FRYING PAN WITH SIZZLING BACON, UNSUCCESSFULLY FLEES MASSIVE GRIZZLY.”

I wasn’t sure about my dad’s thoughts were on this strategy, but maybe he was thinking she could be a diversion. I found this to be an interesting model of husband-wife dynamics. I now have it deeply imbedded in my psyche as a tactic if Julie and I ever go camping and encounter a bear. As I was watching this all unfold, the bear and its cubs were actually starting to work their way around the pond coming our direction. We were all starting to get frantic. Frightened. Should we try to hide in the tent or run away (not in the same direction as my mom).

We were freaking. Our respective blood pressures skyrocketed. Because I was such a highly evolved human being, I looked around for a rifle-shaped stick that I thought might fool the bear. That should scare him away for sure. And then…

The calvary showed up. Just in time. A friendly forest ranger came on the scene, to our rescue. Just like in the movies. Saved at the last possible minute. I’m not sure what the ranger did, but the bear eventually started heading back into the forest. I’m pretty sure the bears and rangers had some kind of agreement. A detente. At any rate, we were safe at last. Mom was able to come back to camp and finish cooking the bacon, acting like this was just a normal day for her (I never learned what she thought of Dad’s idea of offering her as a sacrifice).

The fear that had gripped each of us started to slowly abate. We could now have our breakfast, and the grizzly wouldn’t have us for breakfast. How outta-sight was that! The ranger did tell my dad that this particular bear had a reputation, and not a good one. They actually had a plan to relocate her deep into the forest, away from the public.

As we enjoyed our newfound safety, we packed up our tent and headed out. As we were driving to another camp site destination in the park, we stopped at a quaint little area for lunch. If there’s anything we were good at, it was eating, thanks to my mom for putting it out there for us. While she was preparing the food, Jon and I decided to do a little exploring.

We wandered into the woods, enjoying the quiet, taking in the amazing treescape around us. We couldn’t even see the sky; the branches were so thick. What a welcome relief this was after our heart wrenching morning trauma. And then this…

You’re not going to believe it. Another bear. And he was not too far from us. I’m not kidding! Another bear. This was psycho. Why did I think I wanted to see bears? This one seemed as though it was about twenty feet away but probably more likely a hundred feet. At any rate, we still hadn’t quite recovered from our breakfast bear fright. Now again at lunchtime! What is it about our family that attracts these bears? And we didn’t have our great Protector, Dad, with us this time.

My brother Jon was starting to get a bit scared. Actually not just a bit. Very scared. “I’m so scared Jim”, he said, “What should we do? Where should we go?” Being the elder (and much smarter) brother I had to figure things out. Come up with some kind of plan. And make it quick, before we got eaten up by this nasty grizzly. I think I prayed as best I knew how.

Unfortunately, we had gotten turned around and were totally mixed up as to which direction the car was. So we walked in a direction away from the bear for a few minutes. But little brother Jon was now in freak-out mode. He got down on the ground and started crying, knowing the bear would overtake us any minute. To give him credit though, he didn’t pee his pants.

At that moment I stepped into the super leadership role I was created for. To be honest, I was also extremely fearful but knew we had to do something and as the big brother, I had a huge responsibility. I said something like, “Jon, we have to go now. I’m not sure which direction but I think this way,” as I helped him back to his feet.

In reality I had no idea which way to go as we were totally disoriented. But I led the way in what I was hoping and praying was the right direction. Hopefully not right into the bear’s nasty clutches. We walked stealthily through the woods looking and listening. Going from tree to tree. Ever so quietly sneaking. Like little ninjas. And then came a sight I never knew I would appreciate so much. Our wonderful blue Chevy station wagon. What a sight! And just in time for lunch. How awesome was that!

I don’t think little brother Jon has ever appreciated that I saved his life that day, but I plan to remind him of it as often as I can. By the way, when a person visualizes the word ‘bear’ I think it gets softened and fuzzied down by images of everyone’s favorite cuddly teddy bears. When you visualize the word ‘grizzly’, a far more menacing image comes to mind. Jon and I unfortunately suffered a unique and rare syndrome called double grizzlyitis; having traumatic grizzly encounters twice in one day. Our lives were forever scarred. We still go to therapy. but the shrinks don’t think we’ll ever get over it.

Just kidding. We’re doing fine. I wouldn’t doubt that the angels of God protected us and led us out of that danger. Fortunately, I’ve come to know Him and can pray with certainty and direction. He loves me and leads me by His Spirit daily. And protects me. Which is good because I’m good at putting myself in harm’s way.

Hey, if you could use a spare calorie and push the ‘like’ button that would be great. That’s ‘bearly’ any effort at all, right? Cutting, cute or cantankerous comments are welcome as well.

Photo by mana5280 on Unsplash